In Cider and now I'm Out Of Cider

I realise I've made a terrible mistake with this whole beer tasting business. I got too excited, a little too keen, a little overzealous and now I've fucked myself.

Where do you go once you've sipped on something created by Belgian monks for gods sake? I should have built up to it, not jumped in straight away. You don't start at the bottom rung and leapfrog to the top in one go, there's small steps that need to be taken, that are important to be taken, important for the journey's sake.

So I'm going to take a breather from the beer for a moment, and quickly run you through the top 5ish general ciders worth noting. By general I mean the ones you're most likely to be served at an Australian pub, and by worth noting, I mean that they're not all necessarily good, and the ones that aren't good deserve to be belittled.

Bulmers (UK), Magners (IRE)
Finding Magners on tap in Australia is like looking for the Lost Ark, and to this day I don't actually think I've seen it anywhere on tap, which is a damn shame, because it ranks as one of the best ciders in the world. Good on the Irish, they're more than just a pretty stout. Luckily though, Bulmers - the UK version (rip off) of Magners - is appearing in more and more pubs as time goes by. I love Bulmers for the same reasons I like my favourites pales. A good balance of flavour, not too sweet or fruity, with a good colour and incredibly refreshing. It's also an amazing hangover cure.

Pipsqueak (WA)
Brewed by Little Creatures. I frequently have people telling me how great they think Pipsqueak tastes and I just don't see it myself. I'm guessing it's because the massive problem with Pipsqueak is only most noticeable in the bottled form - and it's the fact that it's over-carbonated. No good drinking a cider if you're going to have to belch every 3 seconds and have to take small sips because the bubbles are overpowering your tongue. Other than that, the taste is ok but it's pretty unspectacular.

Strongbow (UK), Three Oaks (SA)
Firstly, don't ever touch the Strongbow Sweet (thankfully only Australia fucked this one, the UK brewery does not produce a Sweet version). The primary danger of cider is being given one that actually tastes like apples - that's not what cider is meant to be about. It's like if a beer tasted like nothing but wheat and hops. The Dry and Draught versions are satisfactory, in that Pipsqueak kind of way, while the Three Oaks is a step below. In beer terms, this is hovering in that Heineken/Tooheys New kind of area.

Mercury (TAS)
This is quite possibly the most depressing cider known to man kind. It looks bland, it tastes like crap and it leaves you with an amazing hangover thanks to being loaded up with preservatives, just like all those low carb beers. Actually here I should point out that low carb beers should never be invested in to begin with. If you don't want to gain weight, don't drink any beer in the first place. Vodka has bugger all calories, drink that with soda. I tried drinking a mere 6 pack of that Boag's Blonde, and woke up not understanding why my brain felt detached from my head.

It actually makes me angry seeing people drinking Mercury, particularly at bars that are based around good quality product. I witnessed this at the Local Taphouse as I was sipping on my Timothy Taylor Pale. I mean for god's sake, go to Crown Casino at 3am if you want to indulge in scum scraped from the bottom of a barrel.

Monteith's Crushed Apple Cider (NZ)
The newbie cider. The problem here though is you know exactly what you're going to get from the moment you see it poured from a tap. A weak cider, weak in colour, weak in taste. I may as well be drinking diluted carbonated apple juice. This is the equivalent of drinking mid-strength beer, which is just as bad as drinking low-carb beer. For shame.

I did a bit of research on cider too - whilst this is a blind recommendation, if you're looking for something a bit finer, maybe check out the Wychwood Green Goblin Oak Aged Cider (UK). I've tried two Wychwood beers which were both pleasing and I think they would have the same quality control on their cider too. If it's bad, I apologise.